Es war buchstäblich der 1. Januar, als ich einen starken Impuls verspürte, mit dem Corona-Virus zu meditieren.
Zuerst sass es mir auf dem Hals wie das Messer an der Kehle und ich versuchte es einige Male mit der Hand wegzuwischen, doch es blieb hartnäckig an meinem Hals kleben. Wenigstens immerhin im Aussen, in den Körper hinein wollte es jedenfalls nicht. Aber es war erschreckend nah. Schnell begriff ich, dass es sowieso stärker war als ich und ich das Virus lieber einladen und das Gespräch mit ihm suchen sollte, statt es wegzuscheuchen, so furchteinflössend es auch war. Und so tat ich dies und erhielt folgende Antworten und Einsichten:
Das Virus ist mein Schatten. Unser aller Schatten - und doch für jeden anders - wie ein Globus, den man von allen Seiten betrachten kann. Jeder Mensch auf diesem Planeten speist das Virus mit seinen unaufgeräumten Schattenthemen. Alle haben dazu beigetragen! Alle.
Der Anteil darin, der mir ganz persönlich aufgezeigt wurde, war mein unbändiger Zorn. Der Zorn, der so immens war, dass ich in der Vergangenheit damit meine eigene Erkrankung ausgelöst hatte. Mit dieser negativ eingesetzten Kraft habe ich das Virus so potent gemacht, denn da draussen im Universum klingt lediglich die Energie als Echo nach und bleibt irgendwo hängen und schlägt wieder auf den Einzelnen zurück. Meine Energie mit dem ich das Virus also gespeist habe ist so kraftvoll und stark, dass die Menschen sich davor fürchten und keine Chance mehr sehen, ihm zu entfliehen. Auch ich selber nicht. Es ist stärker als ich. Es ist meine eigene Wut als Spiegel gegen mich selbst gerichtet. Meine Mitschuld.
Als ich das begriffen hatte, erschrak ich und wollte sofort wissen, was ich denn tun kann, um die Menschen vor diesem, meinem Anteil zu bewahren, sie zu retten, es wieder gut zu machen. Da hörte ich etwas eher Unerwartetes. Es ging nicht, wie ich vermutet hatte, darum, mir zu verzeihen, sondern darum, dem Virus gegenüber das Herz zu öffnen! Also gut. Ich tat, wie mir empfohlen und ignorierte dabei die aufkommende Angst und den Respekt vor dem Virus. Ich öffnete mein Herz. Und siehe da, plötzlich erkannte ich!!
Ich erkannte das Virus, als Botschafter der Erde. Es zeigte sich mir wie eine Rosskastanie mit einer stacheligen dicken Aussenschale und einer weiteren harten Schale im Innern, der den Kern im tiefsten Inneren hütete wie seinen eigenen Augapfel. Ich erkannte, dass sich das Virus enorm aufgeblasen hatte, als Schutz und aus Wut darüber, nicht gesehen und nicht erkannt zu werden für das, was es wirklich war! Pure Liebe!
Es war gekommen, um seine Mutter zu retten, unsere Mutter, die Erde, die von uns Menschen nicht genügend Achtung erhalten hat und für selbstverständlich genommen wurde, dabei hatte es das Virus weiss Gott zuerst anders probiert!
Über die Liebe, über Verständnis, über Sanftheit und Geduld, doch wir haben die stillen und leisen Töne nicht gehört, waren zu sehr beschäftigt im hektischen Aussen. Schlussendlich sah es in seiner Verzweiflung keinen anderen Ausweg mehr als sich zum Feind zu mutieren; eine Wandlung, die es zwar physisch einfach vollziehen konnte, ihm aber gar nicht behagte und es im Grunde auch gar nicht wollte - und auch nicht war. Doch das Ziel war nun sofort erreicht, denn plötzlich schauten alle Menschen hin, hörten es, nahmen es ernst, ja sie richten jetzt sogar ihr Leben danach aus! Wenn auch noch die meisten über die Angst...
Wenn wir jedoch alle die Liebe im tiefen inneren Kern des Virus erkennen, so wird sich das Virus auch irgendwann wieder beruhigen und seinen Kern freigeben. Ich für meinen Teil spürte jedenfalls auf einmal ein tiefes Mitgefühl für dieses Virus und verstand mein eigenes Muster, meinen eigenen verzweifelten Versuch im Spiegelbild seines Wesens. Wahrscheinlich sollte mein Fokus gar nicht mehr so sehr darauf liegen, mir selber verzeihen zu wollen, sondern nur noch darauf, mich selber verstehen zu können und somit Mitgefühl für meine eigene Wut zu entwickeln. So lassen auch die Schuldgefühle nach und mein neu entstandenes Verständnis speist wiederum das grosse Ganze. Das hat mir das Virus aufgezeigt.
Die Lösung - und diese Message war auch klar: Lass dein Herz offen - und tut es noch so weh. Verstehe alle Menschen, akzeptiere alle Situationen, dann bist du vor mir sicher.
Ebenso klar kam durch, dass die Wut (was ja nichts anderes als ein Schutzmantel ist, symbolisiert durch die harten Schalen der Rosskastanie) und auch die Angst, erneut nicht verstanden zu werden, wenn sich das Virus wieder auf seine Normalgrösse zurückziehen würde, momentan noch zu gross ist, um entspannt zurückzulehnen und sich vor einer Ansteckung sicher fühlen zu können. Zu denken, "mich wird er sicher nicht packen, er hat ja jetzt mitgekriegt, dass ich ihn sehe“. Nein, jetzt muss auch gehandelt werden, ein Gespräch allein reicht nicht (mehr) aus. Ja, er scheint sehr streng in der Umsetzungsdisziplin. Auch damit hätte ich ihn schliesslich gespeist, klärte er mich auf. Er sei nur so streng zu mir, wie ich zu mir selbst immer war und auch das schlägt jetzt auf mich zurück. So einfach komm ich nicht davon.
Niemand, absolut niemand ist vor diesem Virus gefeit! Doch er lässt immerhin mit sich reden. Und gibt klare Angaben und Hinweise. Und so wurde meine ganz persönliche Aufgabe für dieses Jahr nochmals deutlich betont: Herzöffnung!
(Und für alle anderen natürlich auch).
It was literally January 1st when I felt a strong impulse to meditate with the Coronavirus.
At first it sat on my throat like a knife on my throat and I tried to wipe it away with my hand a few times, but it stuck stubbornly to my throat. At least externally, luckily it didn't want to enter my body. But it was terrifyingly close. I quickly realized that it was stronger than me and I should invite the virus and talk to it instead of shooing it away, scary as it was. And so I did and received the following answers and insights:
The virus is my shadow. The shadow of all of us - and yet different for everyone - like a globe that can be viewed from all sides. Every person on this planet feeds the virus with their own messy shadow issues. Everyone contributed! Everyone.
The part of it that was shown to me personally was my irrepressible anger. The anger so immense that it had made me sick in the past. With this negatively applied force I have made the virus so potent, as out there in the universe it’s only the energy that sounds as an echo, gets stuck somewhere in the quantum field and gets absorbed by someone else again. The energy I fed the virus with is so powerful and strong that people are afraid of it and no longer see a chance to escape it. Not even myself. It is stronger than me. It is my own rage that is directed as a mirror against myself. My complicity.
When I understood the message, I was shocked and wanted to know immediately what I could do to save people from this, my part, to make amends. Then I heard something rather unexpected. It was not about forgiving myself, as I presumed, but about opening my heart to the virus! All right then. I did as recommended, ignoring the fear and huge respect for the virus. I opened my heart. Lo and behold, suddenly I recognized!!
I recognized the virus, as Earth's Ambassador. It appeared to me like a horse chestnut with a spiky thick outer shell and another hard shell inside, which guarded the core in the deepest part like its own eyeball. I realized that the virus had inflated enormously as protection and out of rage at not being seen and not being recognized for what it really was! Pure love!
It had come to save its mother, our mother, Mother Earth, whom we humans did not respect adequately and which we had taken for granted. But God knows the virus had tried differently first!
With love, with understanding, with gentleness and with patience, but we didn't hear the soft and tender tones, we were too busy in the hustle and bustle outside. In the end, in its desperation, the virus saw no other way out than to mutate into an enemy; a transformation that was easily carried out physically, but didn't fit the personality of the virus at all. But as much as it disliked the mutation, it’s purpose was immediately reached as suddenly everyone looked at it, took it seriously, started listening, yes people even suddenly changed their lives to be in alignment with it! Even if most of them still in fear ...
However, if we all recognize the love in the deep inner core of the virus, it will eventually calm down again and release its core. For my part, I suddenly felt a deep empathy for this virus and understood my own pattern, my own desperate attempt in the reflection of its being. I should probably not focus too much on forgiving myself but rather on understanding my past actions and thus developing compassion for my own anger so that the feelings of guilt subside and my new understanding can influence the big picture. That’s what the virus thought me.
The solution - and this message was also clear: Keep your heart open - even if it hurts. Try to understand every single being, accept every situation and you are safe from me.
It was just as clear that the anger (which is nothing more than a protective coat, symbolized by the hard shells of the horse chestnut) as well as the fear of still not being understood after shrinking back to its normal size again, are currently still too big a risk as to sit back, relax and feel safe from an infection, to think, "I am sure it will not get hold of me, it has now noticed that I see him". Now actions must be taken as well, a conversation alone is not enough (anymore). Yes, this virus seems to be very strict in his implementation discipline. I would have fed it with that too, the virus explained, adding that it was only as strict with me as I was with myself and that this is hitting me back now too. I can't get away with it easily.
No one is immune from the Corona virus, absolutely no one! However, it can be addressed and it listens. Like a strict teacher it gives you clear information and important advice. And so my very personal task for this year was emphasized one more time: Open your heart and - more importantly - leave it open!
(And of course everyone else too).
The first thing worth mentioning about my experience with this tincture, is how unusually fast I noticed its effects. Working within health food, I have experimented with a quite wide range of supplements throughout the last years, including adaptogens, superfoods, amino acids, probiotics, fatty acids and vitamins of different sorts - but can probably count on less than one hand the things that have truly convinced me about their inherent potential, at least for myself.
Despite my curious and open-minded personality, I do at the same time consider myself to be more sceptical than most people when it comes to making assumptions about the relation between any intuitively felt change and its hypothetical cause. In other words, when trying to make sense of my experience, I'm inclined to analyze its components with the mind of a scientist, trying to rule out any potentially misguiding variables, hesitant to draw conclusions about the nature of things based on fleeting subjective perceptions.
I'm therefore even more so pleasantly surprised every time my encounter with something new within the broad realm of supplements transcends the concept of placebo without any doubt, which has clearly been the case when it comes to my symbiosis with this herbal tincture. In mysterious ways, it weaved itself into multiple layers of my being, providing me with intense detox symptoms and deep existential insights, feeding on nothing but bodily and emotional waste leftovers in return.
Fatigue and headaches are among the most common experienced symptoms of any physical detoxifying agents, but I was nevertheless baffled by the impact that just a few drops of a herbal tincture consisting of such 'ordinary' and 'harmless' (as in 'not poisonous') plants apparently could have on my organism. As a result of these symptoms, I was pushed into cultivating more awareness regarding very basic, yet easily neglected needs: Drinking enough water, getting enough sleep, and generally slowing down to a pace that resonated more with my inner motivations.
Besides working, I spent my days doing yoga - which I can wholeheartedly recommend as an ideal synergistic interaction-candidate in this matter - and resting more than usual. And it was during those periods of rest - or shall I say attempted rest - that the really interesting inner processes started to reveal themselves. Several nights in a row, my body slept longer hours than usual while the mind stayed wide awake and present with whatever got pushed to its surface from the vaults of the unconscious. Layers upon layers of patterns of personality and interpersonal dynamics got peeled out of the unknown and presented to me one by one, allowing me to recognize the true causes and motivations behind my interactions with both myself and the rest of the world very clearly.
Although I am used to spending a considerable amount of time on existential rumination, the phenomena I was dealing with here was remarkably distinct from my usual states of indulging in philosophical daydreaming or being purposefully imaginative in any way. It happened completely unprovoked by any sense of active willforce, and with such accelerating intensity and at such a speed that it was quite overwhelming, although in a constructive way. I felt more vulnerable than usual, though strangely stronger at the same time. There was by no doubt something of great symbolical relevance at work.
To be a little less vague without going into too much detail: I was presented different situations from my past, with an emphasis on those involving inner tensions or outer conflict in more or less dramatic ways. It felt like the different operating archetypes or 'driving forces' behind words and actions of myself and others in that mental presentation were intensified in a way that made them easier to identify, and the insights resulting from that included seeing both my own and others' narratives in a new light. I relived how deeply I had been hurt by others in various situations, and - perhaps even worse - realised how I myself had been hurting others without even being aware of it, due to mindless preoccupation with my own inner demons. Summed up, I saw very clearly how lack of awareness is the root cause of so much suffering.
This continued in circular patterns for hours without interruption, craving my full attention. It triggered feelings of sadness, guilt, shame, resentment and anger - the whole repertoire of our collectively disowned shadow sides, ruthlessly exposed at the core of my being. It made me acknowledge on a deeper, more direct-experiential level than what most ordinary waking states allow, the many forces within and surrounding all of us, of which we have so limited control. It was a painful confrontation with unpleasant truths, but equally so an important and transformative one, inspiring a more compassionate, less judgemental attitude towards all living beings, including oneself - and isn't that really the most noble value anyone can hope to aim for amidst all the chaos of reality?
I can of course not know for sure whether it's really the herbs mentioned, or Marlene's magical intuitive powers that catalyzed these involuntary nocturnal rituals. But after similar experiences when using the tincture again many months later, it seems irrational to not give it proper credit where credit is due. Regardless of the specifics, I'm convinced there's true witchcraft at work here - on some level or another."
How do I say goodbye to the drama
when my constant pain reminds me of the trauma
what I experienced as a child was so long ago
that I am ashamed of still not being in a good flow
I try hard to let go and be patient every day
even though my body seems stuck in its replay
how can I forget when the pain is so intense
and my entire system is constantly on defense
Often I am reminded that I want to cry in despair
because I feel like my body is beyond repair
but I came to a point where I’m too tired to weep
even if my pain keeps me from falling asleep
So I gently go deeper to connect with myself
like trying out options from a pretty large shelf
very carefully trying to feel my frustration
and thereby hoping to get to a realization
My crying and screaming has become a little stiller
as yelling and shouting don’t help as painkiller
and when I do manage to get slightly calmer
at least my heart might feel a bit warmer?
It is hard to keep up but the process goes on
and I hope this new way is the beginning of dawn
I have no other choice but to become more tranquil
if I want to have a chance to finally be serene
So my sorrow, my grief, my pain and my mourning
force me to connect and are hopefully just a warning
not to end up in despair just as usual
and to trust that connection is not delusional
I truly want to heal and get rid of that pain
I so much want to shake off that physical strain
I am ready to feel my pain now in silence
profoundly wishing for a lifelong alliance
with myself
for better health.
Marlène Zarins